I was holding my 3 year old's hand whilst she was going off to sleep after bath and bedtime story the other night and I thought, 'oh I know, I will go and have a cigarette after this'.
It's been 4 years 5 months and 13 days since I gave up smoking. Not that I'm counting or anything.
My thoughts then went like this;
oh but I do miss it
It would be lovely having 5 minutes outside looking at the stars
I miss the conversations with my husband about constellations (I know, we're sad)
I could just have the one every night
As a treat
Oh but then I would want another one
When could I have another one?
It would help me lose weight.
Would I have one in the morning once I've dropped the girls off?
In the car?
But then I would want another
Probably at lunchtime
By then I would be addicted again
I would waste valuable time thinking about when I am going to have my next cigarette
I would get annoyed with the kids for keeping me from them
The cigarettes would be my number one priority
I would get irritable at work
When we are in restaurants as a family
Shopping with friends
I would be irritable.
Then I would want to give up
Because I couldn't I would smoke more
And start hating my lack of will power
Then I would start thinking every little ache or pain
Because I smoked so much.
I hated being so reliant on something.
I don't want a cigarette anymore.
I look at my sleeping child and know the most important thing to me is being there for her as she grow's up.