Saturday, 20 March 2010

Cigarettes and Bedtime Stories


I was holding my 3 year old's hand whilst she was going off to sleep after bath and bedtime story the other night and I thought, 'oh I know, I will go and have a cigarette after this'.

It's been 4 years 5 months and 13 days since I gave up smoking. Not that I'm counting or anything.

My thoughts then went like this;

oh but I do miss it
It would be lovely having 5 minutes outside looking at the stars
I miss the conversations with my husband about constellations (I know, we're sad)
I could just have the one every night 
As a treat
Oh but then I would want another one
When could I have another one?
It would help me lose weight.
Would I have one in the morning once I've dropped the girls off?
In the car?
But then I would want another
Probably at lunchtime
By then I would be addicted again
I would waste valuable time thinking about when I am going to have my next cigarette
I would get annoyed with the kids for keeping me from them
The cigarettes would be my number one priority
I would get irritable at work
In meetings
When we are in restaurants as a family
Shopping with friends
I would be irritable.
Then I would want to give up 
Again
Because I couldn't I would smoke more
And start hating my lack of will power
And myself
Then I would start thinking every little ache or pain
Is cancer
Because I smoked so much.
I hated being so reliant on something.
I don't want a cigarette anymore.
I look at my sleeping child and know the most important thing to me is being there for her as she grow's up.

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